


Merry Fucking Christmas

by destroyedspectacularly



Series: Everybody Wants Some [6]
Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter/Funhaus RPF
Genre: Christmas, Fake AH Crew, Fluff, Holidays, M/M, Santa Clause, a mysterious red chimney, and it's seasonal!, jeremy joins the crew, so yay, this is a short and quick way to introduce our dearest jeremy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-01
Updated: 2017-01-01
Packaged: 2018-09-13 19:38:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,086
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9139168
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/destroyedspectacularly/pseuds/destroyedspectacularly
Summary: Something goes bump in the night at the Fake AH Crew Homebase on the night of Christmas Eve, and the crew all crawl out of bed to go investigate.--“Why the fuck didn’t I know we have a chimney?” Ray blurted out, right as the fireplace damper clattered to the floor followed by some dude wearing most of a fucking Santa Clause suit who landed flat on his ass. Everyone had a weapon pointed at him, speechless, except Gavin who had lowered his fancy-ass gun to turn around and try to muffle his laughter.(Can be read as a standalone!)





	

Jack startled awake, at first not sure what had woken her, and then heard the rustling again. She pulled the revolver from under her mattress and made her way down the carpeted stairs, checking that the damn thing was loaded as she went.  
  
As she turned the corner at the bottom of the stairs, she met the boys in similar defensive positions, the only one not wielding a gun being Ryan who held his long-bladed knife.  
  
“Where the fuck is it coming from?” Gavin whispered in the dark of the living room.  
  
Jack, realizing she left her glasses on her nightstand, deferred to Geoff who simply nodded his head in the direction of the usually unused rec room through a door beneath the stairs. They trailed into the room after Geoff opened the door silently, his thumb covering the latch. As they trailed into the drafty room, they followed the sound straight to the opposite wall where a red-bricked fireplace stood, almost confusingly stark compared to the furniture covered in white sheets and the unpainted walls.  
  
“Why the fuck didn’t I know we have a chimney?” Ray blurted out, right as the fireplace damper clattered to the floor followed by some dude wearing most of a fucking Santa Clause suit who landed flat on his ass. Everyone had a weapon pointed at him, speechless, except Gavin who had lowered his fancy-ass gun to turn around and try to muffle his laughter.  
  
The guy glanced up at them and looked them over as they did the same to him. Strong shoulders, bit on the short side, and the top of his hair was fucking purple. Soft on the eyes, Michael almost wanted to join Gavin in lowering his gun because, honestly this guy looked like he wouldn’t hurt a fucking fly if it bit him on the ass.  
  
“Uh… merry Christmas?” the guy chuckled out, and Gavin couldn’t muffle his laughter anymore. The guy smirked in response and fuck he was so cute what the fuck, Michael lowered his gun as Ryan reached forward and grabbed the guy by the collar of his ridiculous outfit and dragged his ass to the center of the room, where Ryan kneeled down and held the knife tight to the dude’s throat.  
  
“Oh but I didn’t buy you a present!” Ryan grinned, all teeth and Geoff visibly cringed.  
  
“God, Ryan could you turn the creepy down like, ten notches. The kid’s wearing fucking long johns.” Ryan frowned and checked the kid for weapons.  
  
“Um this is an authentic, rented Santa Clause suit. That still smells like the guy I stole it from,” the kid spoke up again.  
  
“Alright tough guy merry Christmas ho ho ho and a happy fuck you, mind telling me who sent ya?” Geoff kneeled in front of him, waving the gun around to remind him of the danger he was in.  
  
“Uh this guy Juan who lives down my street. I actually should have thought this through more, but honestly, you should be thanking me,”  
  
Jack chuckled, “Uh huh, and why’s that?”  
  
“Well, you have terrifying security. I mean terrifying. Twenty plus floors of security intermingled with decoy rooms and all kind of crazy shit,” the dude grinned as he continued.  
  
“But it took like thirty bucks at the city library for a guy to hand me a duplicate of the “destroyed” blueprints to your building. First thing I see on the top floor is this weird ass chimney, so I took a shot,” he paused, finally taking a breath of air, “Of whiskey. Or five, and _then_ I took a shot at scaling down the inside of your chimney.”  
  
Gavin and Michael shared a look, because what the fuck… it was kind of impressive.  
  
Jack rolled her eyes, “And what should we be thanking you for? Besides clearing out the cobwebs?”  
  
“I pointed out a _pretty_ fucking huge hole in your security system. And you should fire the guy on staff on the roof, I think he’s playing flappy bird.”  
  
Geoff stood and raised his eyebrows at Jack, who just motioned helplessly with her gun and then turned to leave, Ryan following closely behind her, “Do whatever. If this comes back to haunt us, I’m not gonna be part of the decision,”  
  
Geoff ran a hand through his sleep-mussed hair and turned to face the guy again.  
  
“What’s your name, kid?”  
  
He held out his hand, and Geoff used it to help him up before shaking it.  
  
“Uh Jeremy.”  
  
“Well alright, “Uh Jeremy” welcome to the Fake AH Crew,” Geoff was talking and dialing on his phone at this point, “Chrissy’s gonna lead you out and go over just a few things you need to know before you come back at a more appropriate time in about 3 to 4 days. Grab the shit you need and come back here ready for an extreme lifestyle change,”  
  
Jeremy’s eyes bugged out like someone had just told him Santa had been real the whole fucking time and it was all a big ruse.  
  
Geoff finished shaking his hand and pulled the phone to his ear as it finished ringing, walking back to his room slowly as he spoke, “Yeah, George? You’re fired, final meeting scheduled before New Year’s… Shut the fuck up I don’t want to hear it, give me Heather. Heather? Fire the roof guy. Tell him he can cry with George and his meeting is at the same time… Yeah if five is clear book it. Thanks Heather.”  
  
Michael cackled and trailed after Geoff, “Oh _please_ let me off George. He was a fucking ass. Please? It’s Christmas, Geoff!”  
  
They trailed out of the room followed by Ray, who looked dead on his feet and had stopped caring five minutes ago. They left Gavin and Jeremy in the room and Gavin smirked and shook Jeremy’s hand.  
  
“Good on you, lad. And drunk too, was the same for me the night I joined.” Gavin said, heavy on the accent because, again, the guy is _cute_.  
  
“Are they really gonna kill those guys?” Jeremy said, staring at the door. Gavin chuckled.  
  
“Oh love, I have a feeling this year is bound to be the Year of Jeremy. I just know it,” Gavin grabbed his hand and led him, stumbling, out of the rec room.  
  
All that was left in the room was a faded red Santa hat lying dusty in the fireplace. Embroidered on it were the words, “Merry Christmas ya filthy animals”  
  
And it really fucking was.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! So I know I'm the asshole who hasn't updated since thanksgiving but I'm back!  
> I've been meaning to introduce Jeremy for the longest time, so here he is in all his (currently) purple-headed glory.  
> Next fic will probably be a New Year's fic.
> 
> Let me know what you thought in the comments!  
> And, as always, leave kudos if you liked it! ♥  
> [Come bug me on tumblr.](http://podcastandkill.tumblr.com/)


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